My Story:
I started to write a book at the age of twenty five when I was in the early stages of divorcing my first husband. The focus was my divorce as well as other romantic relationships I had in high school and college. I decided I wanted to write my story so that one day, my child or children would read it and know who I was when I was young and on fire, so to speak. It has always been very important to me to be understood. I want my actions to make sense and I want to be held accountable for them. Mostly, I wanted to put my passion down on paper so my child could know who I was as a person versus just a mother. My intent was that this would only be read after I died.
Inevitably, this book became more of an outlet for my emotional breakdown. I wrote to heal. I wrote to release my pain and try to find some reason for it. I wrote for navigation. I needed to see my path so I could find my way forward. And boy, was I lost!
By the time I remarried, I swore I would turn facts into “fiction” one day and try to get my novel published. Oh yes, I wanted to tell my story and I wanted to do it in a glamorous way! It had to be full of romance and drama and I envisioned a pen name…one also full of drama and mystery. Maybe even a film where someone beautiful could play me…laugh out loud!
But seriously, I just felt this longing to share my journey. After all, it had a happy ending and I did find my way. So I gave myself the goal of 10 years. Yes, at thirty five, I would finish it.
By then, I had a daughter and I was a stay at home mom so there was really nothing keeping me from writing. Thirty five turned to forty in what seemed like a few months. Although I still felt a longing to finish it, I just wasn’t sure of my direction. I could not get my energy behind it. And then it hit me. I really never had my ending. I hadn’t fully seen forgiveness and felt genuine peace regarding my biggest sins until now. Only now did I realize that the REAL story I need to tell is not about a broken marriage. It is not about ex-boyfriends or romances. It is not about growing up. It is not about a thriving career or how many toys I accumulated along the way. The real story I need to tell is not about survival but about transformation. It is about living, walking with God, and experiencing love, joy and peace. It is about finding hope in a broken world. It is about my journey of faith and my destination of complete trust. It is not about me at all. It is not about my past. It is about looking forward and walking with God.
So my story has now turned to a blog. It is really like my letters to God that I feel compelled to share with you. Although I have not encountered any major devastation in my life,
I have felt pain and despair; shame and guilt; hopelessness and brokenness. We all have. Simply by living here on this planet, we will all encounter our own tragedies and crises. Pain is pain. It hurts. I don’t know how to say one person’s pain is worse than another’s. Pain is pain. And this I know for sure: there is a way to ease the pain. It is possible to see the blessing in the pain or to at least know there is one there somewhere even if we cannot see it. But first, it is imperative that we acknowledge there are answers we may never know, things we may never be able to see or understand. Faith will be required.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1
I don't know why God allowed this to happen to her but I do know this: God is good and everything He does is good! Somewhere, someday, we will see the blessings unfold. This truth has been here all along but I was just too busy or too stubborn or too immature to get it. I pray this blog will help you too find your way, whether you are just beginning your journey or are already deep within it! I pray day by day, you will trust more, worry less, and be filled with the fruit of the spirit.
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." Galatians 5:22-23
As I blog along, I think you will agree. God is always the answer!
More tomorrow.
Much love,
Amanda
I like it!
ReplyDeleteI think it's common to write when we don't know what else to do with our emotions and are in too much pain to talk it through. When I was dealing with my divorce, friends (and family!) would encourage me to go to counseling. I didn't feel like I could really open up during a counseling session and be able to shut it back down when it was over to walk back out in the world. There was a lot of acceptance and coping that writing would be bring to me.
I think when you've accepted a particular situation, then and only then does God allow himself to be seen. It's only after you recognize what you've gotten yourself into and how, that He will intervene and carry you out! I have faith...and hope...that if you walk with Him always, you are less likely to run into man made trouble!
As for health conditions, etc. outside of our control...as heartbreaking as it is, there will be a blessing, or blessings, in there somewhere and it just may be something as simple as being a teacher to others.
Great blog! Excited for you!
Love, Jenn