Yesterday, my daughter went to see her endocrinologist for her 3 month check up. At this appointment, they check her A-1-C which is basically, a 3 month average of where her blood sugars have been. We have had a rough few months with a lot of highs so it was no surprise when the number came back higher than last time.
Now let me tell you that I spent my corporate career in the financial sector. I am a numbers geek. I create spreadsheets just to have something to analyze. With my daughter’s diabetes, I am constantly looking at the numbers and trying to explain the patterns and trends. I mean, I am “on it,” so to speak. The doctors love me because I dedicate so much of myself to managing this disease.
But yesterday, this doctor basically told me that her numbers fall into the same category as a child with parents who are negligent and are not paying attention. He says, “from you, I expect more.”
Whoa. Wow. From me, he expects more.
He goes on to tell me that while I am not being negligent with her blood sugars, rather, I am being too cautious.
Agreed. I am being too cautious. Frankly, I am scared to death to let her sugars get down to a normal level because I am afraid she will get too low. And if she gets too low, she could quickly slip into a coma and die. So I consciously choose to let her run a little too high. I build in a safety margin so I don’t have to worry. By the way, it doesn’t work because I still worry.
Letting go of some of this margin I have with her blood sugars requires I relinquish control and trust God a little more. Did I mention I am a bit of a control freak?
Genesis 26:24 says “do not be afraid, for I am with you.”
Deuteronomy 1:21 says “Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged.”
Psalm 56: 3-4 says “When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God I trust; I will not be afraid.”
Isaiah 12:2 says “I will trust and not be afraid.”
John 14:27 says “Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
Hebrews 13:6 says “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.”
Psalm 57 says “Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.”
How many times can we read in God’s word that we must not be afraid? Yet how many of us struggle with absolute fear, leading to complete paralysis sometimes? Do you know what it’s like to be so scared that you cannot even move?
I pray continuously that God will heal my daughter. And I am very careful to clarify that I am requesting that healing to be while she is still here on earth. I know she will eventually be healed in Heaven. But I want it now!
With that request, I do keep in mind that He can see things I cannot. So I also trust Him that if He does not choose to heal her while here, His reasons are good and for her good. So I trust that…. Sort of. Kidding, I do. At least I pray that I do.
What I struggle with more is my role in all of this. What if His plan involves me screwing up and killing her? What if that is all part of His plan so that somehow, I can use the pain that would be involved in that for His glory? I mean, sometimes I feel like her diabetes is more about MY spiritual growth…. He had to get my attention, I mean, my complete attention. And it was at her expense.
But I know God. Over the last few years, I can tell you that I have really gotten quite close to Him. And I can tell you that He is not that kind of God. He doesn’t cause bad things to happen. And He doesn’t allow most of the bad things to happen that Satan is vying for. Just think what our world would look like if He allowed Satan to run free!
Now I know you can read the papers and you can watch the news and you can see a lot of evil. But you can also see a lot of good. Look around and I’ll just bet you witness more love than hate….more good than evil.
God only allows Satan to do those things that He can turn to good. Romans 8:28 “and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew, he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son….”
I cannot even begin to tell you how many times God has stepped in and saved my daughter from a mistake I would have made with her insulin. There have been nights when I was in a deep sleep and he gently woke me and told me to go check her blood sugar. Sure enough, she was low and I was able to give her some milk and avoid a catastrophe.
Then there are the times when I give her a shot of insulin and some of it comes back out. That’s right, I insert the needle, inject the medicine, retract the needle, and some of the medicine comes back out. Those are my favorite times because I have now trained her and she just says, “God overruled your dosage.” Later that day, without fail, I will see the reason why she didn’t need that much insulin.
Miracle after miracle. That is what we have witnessed with this diabetes. Times when she was sick and vomiting, leaving no food in her body for the insulin that I administered. Insulin with no food is a recipe for disaster. Yet God has kept her sugars stable when there was no scientific explanation for how.
He has proven He is here- taking care of my baby- time and time and again. She was known to God when he knit her in my womb (psalm 139:13). She was predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son (Romans 8:28). She has a purpose here. We all do. If we are still living and breathing, we have not yet fulfilled it. As soon as we do, we go home.
Clinically speaking, there will most likely be times when my daughter gets low. We will probably spend more time than most in the hospital over the years. She may even slip into a coma. She may even die before I do. But if that is His plan, there is no "safety margin" I can build in to avoid it.
I have to turn it over—I have to turn HER over—to Him. I have to trust Him. I have to live my life without worry or fear. Worry and fear come from Satan. He wants nothing more than corrupting our belief in God and His character... casting doubt upon us.
We will defeat Satan by filling ourselves up on God’s promises that are right at our fingertips.
Today, I pray for wisdom and peace for us all.
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